Act 1
I had recently returned from the Foglands, the last of the major realms. In that realm the Hungry Empire has fallen. And in the Foglands, the story can potentially return to the Greenlands if told correctly. I hate and love the Foglands. They are a clashing explosion of Mad Max and Fallout and Conan the Barbarian and Elric of Melnibone. I can’t help but feel as though I am a lone wanderer carving through mythic history when I visit the Foglands. And that is true. But it is also desolate and cruel. And I had spent far too long experiencing that cruelty recently.
But I had returned to the Shallows for the first time in months. And I had a chance to rest. But of course, mail had piled up at my door. My voicemail was full. And the only reason I hadn’t been evicted is because the Sleeper had arranged to pay my rent somehow.
Still I set about doing nothing. I was sitting on my couch, watching youtube on my television when I was interrupted. The vtuber I was watching glitched and sprouted a spiral of five tentacles.
“Have you enjoyed your recuperation time in the Shallows apprentice?” The vtuber asked me.
I nodded, “I was hoping for more than two days, but that was foolish optimism.”
“No optimism is foolish. Your hope was incorrect however.”
“What’s on the table today then? Steal the tribute to Falsenight? Assassinate the Bone Man? Unleash the Hound itself?”
The digital avatar shook its head, “I am sending you to the Greenlands. I trust you are still attuned to your usual tools: Ring, the vertebrate, and the cord?”
I sat up a little straighter, “I’ve never been to the Greenlands. The good old days before the Hungry Empire. And yes, I’ve got my usual gear. Hit like a mountain, take damage like a tank.”
“The Empire exists in a nascent form even in the Greenlands. The Empire is in negotiations with the Ancient Tribes. Both sides have agreed to a ceasefire for the harvest Festival. I am tasking you with stalling negotiations. That said, you must not allow the negotiations to break down. Your goal is to allow another of my agents time to work.”
“What are they doing?”
“They scramble to extract sacred texts from a shrine that is sure to be destroyed if the fighting resumes.”
“So easy peasy, nothing too it.”
“I am glad you are optimistic.”
“I was being sarcastic.”
“As was I.”
“So, I need to stall negotiations. Am I being added to the current diplomatic team?”
“No. You will have to insert yourself into the negotiations on your own.”
I cocked my head and blinked twice, staring at my teacher.
“You expect me to walk in and announce that I am joining the negotiations? On what? The strength of my wanted poster? I’m not exactly on good terms with the Hungry Empire. What’s the reward for my capture up to now?”
“I am told the reward is immunity for two tributes.”
I nodded, “So I’m the best person to send in to sensitive negotiations.”
“I am counting on your presence causing something of a stir.”
“Something of a stir? That’s like calling the Hindenburg disaster, a little bonfire.”
“You are a bonfire which I hope will generate a great deal of concealing smoke.”
I paused, considering the Sleeper’s statement.
“You want me to cause a fuss and get in the way?”
“I thought that I had made that clear. You are not aligned with the official diplomats. Your presence will be unwanted and disruptive. But the diplomats I have sent will be able to disavow your actions.”
“Which means I again have no help?”
“We have instructed them to appear to oppose you and to obstruct your actions.”
I snorted, “I’m an agent provocateur.”
“If you like. But you will not be on your own. I have teamed you with a pair of guides. You will team with a local witch named Hannah Poison-Panipuri and a wizard named Bartholomew Diomedes. They are not my agents, they belong to my sibling.”
“The Primal One I assume? Most witches are affiliated with her.”
“No. They are agents of the Survivor. They are respected by my sibling. But my sibling is not known for victory, but endurance. So be alert. Now. Are you prepared for the task?”
“Not yet. I need a pretext. Something I can be seeking or selling. A reason to barge in that isn’t the negotiations themselves. A cover story.”
“Now, you are thinking as I need you to think. What is your plan?”
“Well, nobody is going to buy me as a traitor. I’ve done nothing but be a thorn in the Empire’s side for years now. So I need to be seeking something.” I paused for a moment, “Is there enough time for you to plant a rumor that I am looking for something? Maybe an artifact? Maybe trying to make contact with an informant?”
“We have no informants.”
“No, but it will help sow confusion if they think we do. That’s the one. Drop a rumor that I’m trying to make contact with an informant. I’m searching for the location of an ancient artifact of unknown description. Can you do that?”
“I can. But telling them of your impending arrival will make your job more difficult.”
“It’s already going to be difficult. But better they believe the cover story than that they not see me coming.”
“Very well, apprentice. May the story approve of your plan.”
The trip to the meeting place was uneventful. I sat on a moss covered fallen oak and waited for my contacts. I did not have to wait long. After ten minutes or so, I heard movement out in the trees. The moss covered the grounds, and I could not hear the sound of any footfalls. But I could hear the crackling as two large bodies moved through the undergrowth.
Then two figures emerged from the bushes to my left: a man and a woman.
The woman spoke, “I’m Hannah and this is Bart.”
I sized up Hannah first. I guessed her age to be somewhere between sixteen and nineteen years. She wore a slack expression and chewed a lollipop as she met my gaze. She kept her hair short and had an enormous pair of headphones covering her ears. I smiled, wondering what the locals in the Greenlands thought of her headphones. She was also wearing a lime green sportswear jumpsuit. And on her feet were what I suspected were army surplus boots. A hot pink fanny pack hung from her left hip.
“What do the locals make of your fashion choices?” I asked as I extended my hand.
She shook my hand, “I’m a witch and a psychonaut. This adds to the mystery.”
I nodded and turned to Bart. I guessed Bart to be in his early twenties, half my own age. He also dressed anachronistically. He wore a black hoodie and bright orange Bermuda shorts. To my surprise he also had on Japanese geta sandals and makeshift samurai armor. The armor looked adapted from modern sports pads and cast off plastic junk.
“I imagine that the armor makes an impression,” I said as I offered my hand.
Bart didn’t take my offered hand, instead he spat on the ground in front of me, “Just don’t get in my way old man.”
Hannah shook her head, “Be nice Bart,” She turned to me, “He was nicer before his team got devastated.”
“I’m sorry to hear that,” I offered.
“Yeah, well it was your fault, so who cares?”
I looked at Hannah, “Did his team die because of the fallout of one of my missions?”
Hannah shook her head, “It’s not your fault. It had nothing to do with anything you did.”
“It is his fault. And anyone else who works for the Sleeper,” Bart said.
“Do you know the Cult of the Unnamed?” Hannah asked.
I nodded, “I’ve not dealt with them. But they are one of the powerful groups of entities that serve the Sleeper. Elders in their own right, but not as powerful as the Sleeper. Minions, sort of, if you like.”
“Well they didn’t like us.” Bart interjected.
“We don’t know what happened.” Hannah said, “But the Unnamed decided Bart’s team had transgressed in some way during a mission. And only Bart survived.”
“So I’m unwelcome by association.” I said.
“Basically.” Hannah answered.
“So we were told you had a plan?” Hannah said.
I nodded.
“Well?” Bart said, arms crossed.
I smiled, “I’m going to have you betray me.”
“What?” Hannah asked.
Bart smiled broadly.
“We need to cause a stir. We can’t let the negotiations break down. So we need something where I am not associated with the delegation. And ideally we need to give the delegation plausible deniability. You betraying me will do that.”
“And get you killed.” Hannah said.
“I’ll live.” I answered.
“No. You won’t, that’s the point!”
“If he’s fine with it, let him do it.” Bart said.
“You two will pose as hunters trying to capture me. I’m wanted all over the Empire. You tell the War Chief’s faction that I am trying to cause the negotiations to break down. The idea is that we motivate the Empire’s side to stay at the negotiating table despite the chaos.”
“You’re trying to trick them into opposing the wrong thing? Hannah said.
“Precisely.”
“If it works, that’s actually pretty clever,” Bart said, “And we get to hunt you, which is a bonus.”
“Don’t enjoy it too much,” I said.
Bart smiled.
Act 2
The talks were being held on a bluff at the edge of a cliff. The cliff sat about forty feet up, overlooking the shrine in question. The site of the negotiations was a sprawling camp. Tents and yurts spilled across the field right to the cliff edge. More people than I had expected bustled about as Hannah and Bart approached the camp.
I had to trust that the two would do their job ahead of my arrival. I felt confident I could rely on Hannah, but I didn’t feel good about Bart. I watched the two from a distance as they crossed the vague perimeter and entered the camp.
I waited an hour or so before arriving. I had decided on the pseudonym: Deacon Crow, and had my cover story ready. I needed to generate uncertainty. The goal was to prevent people from knowing what game I was playing. The longer I could keep people guessing, the longer they would hesitate.
As I crossed the perimeter, warriors from both the Empire and the Free Tribes jogged towards me.
“Halt!”
“Identify yourself!”
I noticed Hannah and Bart standing next to several Knights of Purity. Bart pointed at me and said something I couldn’t hear. Showtime, I thought to myself.
“I am Deacon Crow. Priest of the Quintuple Lords of Misfortune. And I am here to assist on behalf of the Grandmasters of Court of Eternal Summer.”
I projected my voice. I saw both Bart and knight start at my words. The Free Tribal faction seemed unimpressed. But the imperial faction broke into muttering and whispering at my words. I smiled, this was the reaction I had hoped to achieve. The Quintuple Lords were dangerous even to loyal imperial citizens. My unexpected arrival was perfectly in character for the Quintuple Lords. Such behavior would also be unwelcome. But they could hardly refuse a priest of the Court of Eternal Summer.
An aristocratic looking man in furs and golden jewelry stepped from the group. “We have received no word of any priests coming to assist.”
I nodded, “My masters felt they were needed. They asked no permission. They provided no warning.”
The man shook his head, “And provided no proof that their servant is real.”
I raised an eyebrow, “You question a Priest of Eternal Summer?”
“I question that you are a Priest of Eternal Summer. If we are to accept you for who you claim to be, then you must provide us with proof.”
I hesitated, and then nodded.
I raised my arms to the sky and focused on my link to the Quintuple Lords. I wasn’t a priest of course, but I was tied to them by the deals I’d struck with them to save myself before. I could feel them. And so I touched the thread connecting us with my mind and ran a little psychic energy through it.
“I call upon the Quintuple Lords of Misfortune. Prove the provenance of this humble servant before these doubting fools.”
I knew this was a gamble. The Quintuple Lords could hear me. I knew I could make them hear me. But I wasn’t actually a priest. And they owed me nothing. I couldn’t compel them to do anything. They would provide a sign or not as they saw fit. I was once again trusting captive demon lords with my life.
I waited. People began to whisper again. And I started to doubt.
And then the air before me darkened. Light sank into a dark point in the center, creating a well of darkness.
The air rippled above and before me. The crowd murmured and people shuffled backward away from the phenomenon. The air began to smoke, and five bronze masks emerged from the smoke. And then five voices spoke as one.
“Know this, all you who hear our voice. This one acts on our authority. This one has our favor. We have spoken.”
And with that, the smoke cleared and the light returned. And when the light returned, the masks were gone.
The man in the fur and gold stared at me with an open mouth. But I could see Bart and Hannah glaring at me with set lips and narrowed eyes. They didn’t trust me.
“I apologize for doubting you Master Deacon,” The man said, “I am Alston son of Eamon, Duke of Southern Reach. How can we assist a priest of Eternal Summer?”
And now it was time to spread confusion amongst the camp.
“No apology is necessary. Fakes and heretics are my purpose here as well.”
Alston cocked his head, “What do you mean Master Deacon?”
I whispered as I spoke, but whispered loud enough for the nearest imperials to hear me. “My lords have sent me hunting for heretics of the order of Eternal Summer. The Quintuple Lords tell me that one here is a runaway priest, a heretic, in hiding among your delegation. They have tasked me with ferreting this heretic out for judgment.”
Alston clasped his hands, “The delegation is quite large, over a hundred people. Do you know who this traitor is?”
“I do not,” I answered, “The Quintuple Lords said they felt the presence of the traitor here and this time. But they would not even say if the traitor was man or woman.”
“These are delicate negotiations Master Deacon. Such news could cause difficulties.”
“I will not involve myself in the negotiations. My Lords were not concerned with such things. I will observe and ask questions. You will scarcely know I am here.”
Alston hesitated, then nodded. “I would not dream of disobeying the Lords of Eternal Summer.”
I smiled. I trusted that Bart and Hannah had done their job. The imperial faction thought that they knew what was happening when I arrived. But now my cover story has thrown off what they thought they knew. They could hardly doubt my credentials after that display. But they had heard a different story before I’d arrived. What was the truth? Within this smokescreen I hoped to play a delaying game. And I might even harm the imperial delegation’s unity at the same time.
I checked for Hannah and Bart, and I didn’t love what I saw. I could see Hannah and Bart talking to the Free Tribes faction. They were whispering and pointing in my direction. This was going to complicate my work. Not that I could help this. Even if I had told them about the Quintuple Lords ahead of time, it would still be suspicious. Better they do what I needed first and then become suspicious.
I had to get to work.
I set about wandering the delegation. I asked questions, poked my nose in where it wasn’t wanted, and generally made a nuisance of myself. Word passed that I was searching for a heretic or a traitor. Imperials began whispering to me about those whom they didn’t like. People began clustering in smaller groups. The mood became fractious over the next several days. The negotiations continued, but at a snail’s pace. I had started to enjoy the role. Hannah and Bart avoided me. They stayed with the Free Tribes, despite their cover story as independents. I couldn’t help that, without blowing my own cover. So I ignored them and continued playing the role of an inquisitor priest.
On the third day two women approached me. They dressed in the chain shirts and broadswords worn by the men of black and white here. The first introduced herself as Sir Walburga and came straight to the point.
“Master Deacon,” Walburga said. “The Knights of Unity and the Knights of Purity have a dispute which must be mediated. We wish you to mediate.”
“What is the dispute?” I asked. The Knights of Unity were the evangelical secret police of the Empire. The Knights of Purity were the Empire’s colonizing crusader knights. A dispute between them could be unpleasant to mediate.
“It is a matter of jurisdiction,” Walburga said.
I nodded, “Lead the way. I shall see what I can do.”
Walburga led me to a circle of some twenty knights standing around a map on a table.
A heavy set man with an enormous mustache marched up. He dressed in a mail shirt as well, and wore a fur lined cloak over his armor.
“Master Deacon,” the man said as he approached. “I am Sir Wyston of the Knights of Purity. I see that Sir Walburga has convinced you to hear the dispute.”
I nodded, “I understand it is a matter of jurisdiction?”
Wyston nodded in turn and led me to the table. The map showed the area surrounding the camp extending out miles in all directions. Wyston pointed to a small hamlet marked on the map.
“The savages have conceded this collection of hovels. Once the negotiations end, we will move to claim it. If we move quickly enough, there may still be savages in the vicinity when we arrive.”
“And the dispute?” I said, furrowing my brow in concern.
“The Knights of Unity think that they have jurisdiction to attempt to convert the savages. But imperial law clearly gives the Knights of Purity jurisdiction in matters of war. They may attempt to convert any prisoners. But the Knights of Purity have jurisdiction to purify them by the sword first.”
Walburga shook her head, “This is no longer a matter of war. These are ceasefire negotiations. Once the negotiators sign the agreement, then the laws of war no longer apply. They are non-believers in imperial territory. And the Knights of Unity have jurisdiction in such matters.”
“We are always at war with savages.” Wyston countered.
“Then why would the law give us jurisdiction at all?” Walburga answered.
“That is a question for bureaucrats. Not for warriors.” Wyston said.
“I shall consult the Quintuple Lords.” I said, “But I would ask that you do me a favor in return.”
They looked at me, and Walburga asked, “What favor Master Deacon?”
I knew I was still suspect in some circle of the imperial delegation. I knew that the rumors about my search for a mysterious relic were still being whispered when I was out of view. That confusion, though dangerous, was my goal. And I planned to spread it.
“My Lords have me seeking a relic,” I said. I watched as both knights narrowed their eyes. “I will channel the Quintuple Lords. I will ask them your question. You will answer their questions regarding the relic.”
Wyston ladled out his words. “We will of course answer any question laid before us by a Grandmaster of the Eternal Summer.”
I nodded and raised my hands, once again calling upon the Quintuple Lords of Misfortune.
The air darkened and smoke billowed. And five masks emerged from the darkness.
“My Lords,” I asked, “I trust you have been listening.”
“We have,” The five voices chorused.
“What say you regarding the question of jurisdiction?”
The five voices answered,” What serves the Empire better? The corpses of savages, which one may loot for shells and beads? Or new workers in the fields and conscripts marching with spears?”
Walburga grinned, and Wyston’s shoulders slumped.
The five voices continued. “Those that flee beyond the land ceded in their talks are not under the jurisdiction of the Knights of Unity. They may be purified.”
Wyston grinned at that.
“Does that settle things?” I asked. They both nodded, and as they did I noticed Hannah and Bart watching from outside the crowd.
“Now my lords?” I asked, “Did you have a question for the knights?”
“We do,” The voices chorused, “We seek a blade forged from fallen rainbows. What know you of this ancient thing?”
I raised my eyebrows at this. I had never heard of the artifact they’d mentioned. I was glad they were playing along, but they surprised me by what they had chosen.
Wyston shook his head, “I have heard of no such relic my lords.”
Walburga raised a hand, “I have heard of this relic my lords. You speak of the Rainbow tooth sword, also called the opener of locks.”
“We do.”
“I have heard that the Locust King used this to open the door that led to the Grey.”
“Not many know that story.” The voices chorused.
“My sources say that the sword is lost, buried in the catacombs under the great city.”
“This information is acceptable.” The voices said as one, “Your obligation is met. We leave now.”
As I left the knights, I noticed Hannah and Bart again. This time they signaled to me from a tent, waving me over. I jogged over and ducked in.
“We shouldn’t be seen together,” I said as I entered.
Bart drew his short sword and pointed it at me, “What’s your game?”
I sighed, “You know my game. We’re on the same side, remember?”
“You said that the relic was a cover story. You said you weren’t actually searching for it. And now a grandmaster of Eternal Freaking Summer is talking about it unprompted.”
“They were covering for me.” I said.
“See, that isn’t better,” Hannah said. “Why would a psychonaut be on good terms with the Quintuple Lords of Misfortune.”
“I owe them a favor. Two favors actually. They saved my life, and in exchange I’m helping them escape their bondage to the Empire.”
The two stopped and looked at each other. Then Hannah spoke, “I was trying to give you the benefit of the doubt. But do you really expect us to believe that?”
I thought for a moment and then shook my head, “No, I suppose I don’t. That’s why I didn’t tell you before we arrived. But here’s why that doesn’t matter. The Survivor and the Sleeper want us to work together. The Sleeper chose me. The Survivor approved of that choice. If I am a traitor, I’m one that they think they can use. Do you think that you know better than even one of the Living Four?”
They were silent. Neither smiled.
I continued, “Look this is only till the mission is done. After that, if you still think I’m a traitor, you can kill me. I won’t stop you.”
Bart snorted, “You expect us to believe that?”
“I expect that you understand you are stuck with me until we finish this, unless you want to disobey the Survivor.”
Bart bared his teeth, “I’m watching you Harbinger. Whatever you’re up to, you won’t get away with it.”
They exited the tent and I waited several minutes before doing the same.
Act 3
I stepped out of the tent. As I did, I saw a small man dressed in servants robes dart away. He was running towards the massive tents at the edge of the cliff where the nobility slept. He’d heard the three of us talking.
I took off in pursuit of the little man, but he was swift. And although I was able to keep him in sight, I was unable to catch him. We were heading for a group of nobles standing in a circle chatting. They saw the two of us and turned to watch.
I need to take control of the situation. So, as I ran, I yelled, “Stop Heretic! Accept your fate!”
The man looked back and as he approached the nobles he gasped, “He’s a traitor my lords. I promise that-“
I caught up. As I did I focused on the Ring of Lee Jun Fan. And then I hammered a blow into the man’s skull that would have killed a water buffalo.
“Die heretic!” I snarled as the man’s skull split under my blow.
I fell to the ground with the corpse and landed hard, the impact driving the air from my lungs.
As I pulled myself to my hands and knees. Duke Alston looked down at me as I caught my breath.
“Master Deacon, you have killed my servant. And he has accused you of treason as you did so.”
I caught my breath, “A nasty little heretic accused me of treason to avoid his fate. It means nothing.”
“I would still prefer you address it. His concern may mean little. But my concern is the concern of a Duke. And rumors have swirled around you since your arrival.”
“I have proven that I channel the Quintuple Lords of Misfortune. This would not be possible if I was not in their good graces. That alone should be enough.”
“That proves you serve the Quintuple Lords. That does not prove you are a loyal servant of the Empire. The Quintuple Lords are dangerous. They weave their own plans. Perhaps you are not a traitor, but that doesn’t mean your masters are not playing their own game.”
I shrugged, “I do not know if that is true. But what am I to do if it is? What are we mortals to do if the Grandmasters have their own games? Question the Fair Folk? Disobey our masters?”
Silence. Maybe they were buying it.
And then I saw Hannah and Bart approaching with two dozen knights of purity with them. And my shoulders slumped.
“Slay the traitor!” Sir Wyston yelled from the head of the knights.
The Knights charged, and I charged up the Vertebrate of the First Hero to absorb the world of hurt heading my way. I had the Crimson cord if things became lethal, assuming I didn’t die instantly. As long as I was conscious, I had one revive from lethal damage with the cord. I tried not to hurt Hannah and Bart, they were still the good guys. That said, I had no idea if they were stalling for time with this. I couldn’t tell if they were trying to cover their own tracks, or kill me because they thought I was a traitor.
A crowd began to form, people from both delegations watched as I fought off the knights. I was getting pretty good at this, and even with these poor odds, I was holding my own. The problem was that I didn’t know if I had stalled things long enough. Every minute could be critical. So I had to fight defensively.
As I fought, I found myself pushed back to the edge of the cliff overlooking the shrine. Bart engaged me with his wakizashi short sword. I had no means of blocking the blade, and was stuck dodging and keeping my distance.
“Note to self, get a sword.” I muttered, as I dodged another swipe of Bart’s blade.
I was able to evade his strikes. Even so, Knights were taking advantage. I was taking hits from them and having to absorb the damage with the vertebrate of the First Hero.
I was going to die, I thought to myself. And then I heard a member of the Free Path delegation.
“This is pointless,” the woman said, “a fight over an empty shrine. Why are we even still here?”
The Sleeper was signaling me. They had to be. Maybe.
I looked at Bart and locked eyes. He met my gaze without smiling, and I mouthed: “Ready?”
His eyes widened and launched a wild haymaker punch with an obvious wind up. Easy to dodge and with an obvious opening for a counter strike. Bart hesitated. I was sure he saw what I was doing, but maybe he thought I was laying a trap. Instead of countering, he fell back. I took another hit and killed the knight who landed it with a brutal backhand. Then I turned back to Bart. I paused, I locked eyes, and I winked.
I threw the same wild haymaker again. Bart hesitated again, but this time he countered. He stabbed with his sword, plunging the blade into my right lung. I coughed and I grabbed the sword and held the blade in place. Bart struggled, but I pulled his face to mine.
“Good job.” I whispered.
I let go of the sword and Bart pulled away, his whole body shaking.
I staggered back, milking the moment for drama. And with everyone watching, I let my body go limp and topple backwards off the cliff.
It didn’t hurt when I landed. I suspected that was a bad sign.
I lay broken on the valley floor. I had a punctured lung. I was sure that I’d broken my back in the fall. I couldn’t feel my toes. And I was coughing up blood despite the vertebrate of the First Hero.
I had been waiting for hours. I had listened as the delegations reached an agreement. I had listened as the factions packed up their tents and their yurts and their tables and chairs. I had listened as they had loaded everything for travel. All the while, I lay quietly bleeding.
And now, hours later, I could see the delegations dispersing from my vantage point at the bottom of the cliff.
An hour or so after the last faction left, I heard voices.
“Is he dead?” Hannah said as they approached.
“I don’t know. But he definitely let me stab him. That was intentional. Did he die on purpose to keep our cover?”
I focused on the crimson cord, and then sat up and rubbed my back, “That assumes I died.”
Bart leaped backwards, “How are you still alive?”
“The Sleeper has nice toys.”
“You let me stab you!”
“The shrine had been cleared out. My death would end the disruption without damaging the Tribe’s bargaining posture.”
“You let me stab you!”
“Yeah. Don’t make a big deal out of it. I can stab you next time if you like.”
“But all that nonsense about the Quintuple Lords? You were telling the truth!”
“I was, but who’d believe that if they hadn’t actually been there to see it? Easier to roll with it.”
“You let me stab you!” Bart said.
“The Sleeper didn’t pick me for my good looks.” I answered, “And I still owe the Quintuple Lords their favors. I doubt they’d let me die.”
Hannah shook her head, “That doesn’t sound like a good thing when you say it that way.”
“I didn’t intend it to sound good. This is all going to blow up in my face. I’m just hoping I have as many servants of the Empire around me as possible when it happens.”
Professor Harbinger's School for Villains 